Day 28- Like a genie on the tabletop surfin through the month of may.

Well, we made it. Six more hours and GULP will be done. I can't believe how much I've learned about myself in such a short period of time. Here's a recap of the most important things:

1. I love my sister. She is my rock and my blanket.
2. I am an awesome person, and I get to say that without feeling like it sounds conceited. I've spent way too much of my life feeling low self-worth and was just downright mean to myself. It is not overconfident for me to say I am God's gift to the world, because...
3. So are you. And once you start seeing the world around you as a gift, it's pointless to dwell on the painful stuff. In fact, the painful stuff becomes far less painful.
4. I have a great supporrt system. All the nice emails and comments and conversations I had with you (you know who you are) got me through this. I love being a part of such supportive communities (music, basketball, online, etc.). I've learned all you have to do for help is open up and receive it because it is already there waiting for you.
5. I need people. But I don't need one person to define me. I still feel lonely from time to time and struggle with codependency, but each day, I find myself more and more comfortable in my own skin, and that's something I've never experienced until now.
6. I am lucky and blessed. Lucky to have so many dietary choices. Lucky to have a job and a car and a place to sleep. Blessed that GULP is an experiment and not a every-day reality. Blessed to have music to turn to rather than a destructive coping mechanism like drugs or alcohol.
7. As much as I needed this personal journey of self-discovery, I get to help people at the end of this. I will tally up my final number soon, but I think I will be able to give at least a couple hundred bucks to each of my charities. How cool is that?
8. I have made a committment to be true to myself. Even if I'm unsure about something, I will honor that uncertainty as valid and meaningful, and I will keep myself open and receptive to the world around me. I will get out of my own way and find myself in the process.

Al Stewart sums it up pretty darn good:
http://www.alstewart.com/lyrics/genieonatabletop.htm


Thank you GULP (and therapy and reading and music and God) for pulling me out of my pity-party and helping me start filling my soul with all the positive things life has to offer!

Day 27- I mean really, are we there yet?

I want this done. Not so much the emotional, physical and spiritual benefits, but the restrictions are starting to get to me. Plus, Haley is here and her diet is WAY more restricted so she is starting to get really grumpy with the anticipation of the end.

Tomorrow night. Midnight. Me and Haley and a bottle of wine. Boo yah. Gotstago.

Day 26- The Last Days with the Sis

Day 26- Sister Time!

Last night was the best! The band killed it at U31, and it was so great to look out into a crowd of people I love, especially my sister who drove all the way from Corcoran to support me!

I love sister time! Today we woke up and walked to Trader Joe's to stock up on our last round of GULP groceries. Her diet is far more restricted than mine so we had to figure out how to make it work in my house. In related news, I found out where the pots and pans are stored in my new place after two months of living there. GULP has not made me a cook. :)

It is so cool we get to spend the remainder of our GULP days together! Due to the fact my room is the size of a shoebox, we decided to stay the night tonight at a cheap motel. (We both REALLY love staying in cheap motels for some reason). Usually it's more fun with alcohol, but we're making it work with apples. Cause that's how we GULP!

Day 25- I'm So Excited!

HAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAH

I am too excited for my show tonight at U31 to blog about my innermost thoughts. So I'll leave you with a classic Saved by the Bell moment.

PS- We've added another GULPer to the list!!! Check out Nikki's link!

Day 24- Don't Hate:Create!

Woke up and went on another walk this morning. Soooo refreshing. The air smells good in San Diego. This time I added an ambient music channel to my Pandora app and no garbage truck noises got in the way of my meditation on top of the hill. I took this book with me I've been reading called "One Day my Soul Just Opened Up". It has daily lessons, and today's was about Creativity. The book's overall message is that everything in this universe is a manifestation of "God". <---one day I hope I will comfortable not using quotations on that word. This message applies to creativity in that we all possess a powerful and divine ability to make things happen simply by thinking, saying and doing. Essentially, we "create" our world. How true.

This got my thoughts wandering on a couple ideas. Take the whole argument of "creationism" vs "science" for example. I think the best answer to that age-old riddle is both, dude. I don't think you can have one without the other.

Now think about music. I was talking to my friend Nico the other night about how cool it was that music is the perfect blend of artistic creation and mathematics. Without tempos, beats, and chord structures and progressions that make perfect mathematical sense, music wouldn't exist. On the flip side, music not connected to passion or human ritual might as well just be clock on the wall, or an annoying clicktrack. Music is truly the language of God.<---There, no quotation marks.

Now think about your heartbeat. Like music, it keeps both time and feelings. I know some people might argue that you don't actually feel things in your heart. To those people I say, lucky you for not ever hurting that bad. I have FELT pain in my heart, and I'm not talking about the kind of pain that comes from eating spicy food and leaves after a little dose of Maalox. Just recently I have FELT joy in my heart too.

How could I NOT feel joy in my heart after making all these connections? The puzzle is turning into a picture here, and I am a piece of it, and so are you. PLUS, I have this great ability to CREATE music, the most beautiful and perfect language. Oh, what a feeling.

Sorry, that went off on a crazy new age hippy tangent there. Hahaha, don't be afraid to make fun of me, I know I sound nuts sometimes. In other news, we have our first GULP convert! Check out Courtney's blog (link to the right). She's going 30 days in order to save money for an upcoming vacation...hope you follow her and cheer her on! Wouldn't it be cool, if she inspires someone to do the next thirty days, and so on and so forth. Think of what a difference could be made!

This picture has nothing to do with anything I just said. But it makes me die laughing everytime I see it. Thought I'd share:

Day 23- Wake & Walk

I can't believe GULP is so close to being over. 5 more days!

It's hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago, I was deep down depressed. I look at the videos of songs I was posting at that time and I feel like I'm watching someone else. Someone really really lost. I am so thankful to not wake up feeling like that every day.

The one thing I haven't really been able to jump start during my GULP project is exercising. I play bball about once a week, but I know I should be doing more. I have made a lot of mental/emotional progress, but I know physical activity goes hand-in-hand with staying positivie. This morning, I slowly started integrating this into my life again. Nothing too crazy. I woke up this morning and took a walk to the top of Kate Sessions Park. It is a beautiful way to start your morning, regardless of the exercise factor. What a fabulous view of this spectacular city we live in.

I want to use these walks in the morning as another way to gain clarity, so on my way up the hill, I practiced something resembling prayer/affirmations/gratitude. Then when I got to the top, I sat on a bench and quietly attempted to meditate/receive. Unfortunately, the loud garbage trucks didn't get the memo. I'm sure I'll eventually be able to tune them out, but it was my first try! Next time: headphones & ambient music.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't even break a sweat, but it felt good to be outside. And I have noticed that today was probably the least negative and most energetic I have ever been on a Monday here at the office. Excercise: keeping employees from stabbing their eyes out with a stapler since the dawn of cubicles. : )

Band practice tonight. I have a big show on Wednesday. I smile just thinking about how awesome it's gonna be. And I'm even okay with the fact that I still won't be able to drink that day.

Day 22- Pogo Stick

I really have nothing much to write about today. I guess I'll start by thanking Rob Deez and Nick Z for letting me treat their apartment like a second home/restaurant/internet cafe/blockbuster video.

But in other news, check out this new song. It's about life...on a pogo stick.

Day 21- Uno mas week

Lindsay White here, coming to you live from the Pacific Beach Public Library, or the "business center" as I call it. I think they'll give me my own name placard and cubicle pretty soon because I come here like it's my JOB. Look at all these beautiful books! (Yes I'm the girl taking pictures of myself in the library! Such a dork!)

My sis and I have one week to go on our GULP challenge. Let me say again that I think the world would be a much better place if everyone did this at least one month a year. I challenge you to do it! It's like a chiropractor for your soul. I had some bad soul posture, and this sure helped get me back in line. Want proof? I can give you a few examples that happened today alone.

1) I had an opportunity this morning (won't go into specifics) to behave like a pathetic, sad and/or angry person. A week ago I would have taken that opportunity. But instead I just wanted to be kind. I wanted to be a manifestation of all the good I am seeing in the world. How cool is that?

2) I wrote a happy song today. For realz. As I've been going through GULP, I've noticed my songs turning a corner. The last few have had a bad-stuff-happened-and-i'm-getting-over-it kind of feel. But this one was just straight-up happy. I almost fell out of my shoes.

3) I danced. By myself. In my room. To Justin Timberlake.

Day 20- Why the HRC

The way I express my truth is kind of unusual by most people's standards. I feel more comfortable writing my truth than saying it for two reasons. One- written words come out of a very organic place for me and I decided a long time ago that I would never censor them. Two- usually my writing is semi-cleverly disguised in some metaphor. You can only discover my truth if you care to be analytical. Not everyone does, which protects me from the idiots, so to speak.

Now I know once I click "upload", my written words (via song/poem/blog/etc) become available for all the world to see. But for some reason it doesn't matter to me. When I come up with these words, it's just me alone with myself. So why would I hide anything? I guess I also get the feeling that the handful of people who actually care to watch/read what I post genuinely care about me and would want me to be honest with them. With that said, I believe it is important for people to be able to express their own truth in whatever manner they choose, and feel safe in doing so. That is why I've chosen the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) and as a recipient of one third of my GULP savings.

About the HRC: "As the largest national lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization, HRC envisions an America where LGBT people are ensured of their basic equal rights, and can be open, honest and safe at home, at work and in the community."

I was raised with the impression that it was a sin to be homosexual. One of my cousins is a lesbian, so you can imagine this made for some awkward family get-togethers. As I grew up and started developing my own thoughts and beliefs, it just seemed silly to me that God would punish someone for being in love with someone else. And it also seemed silly to me that you could control who you were attracted to on a physical level. That's just straight up science, homie. So I decided for myself that it is NOT a sin to be homosexual.

Two important things. 1) the above statements are my opinion and everyone knows those are like belly buttons 2) the above statements are rooted in religion. So riddle me this, batman. Why are LGBT civil rights issues being mixed up in perspective and religion? People are people, no matter what. Equal rights are equal rights, no matter what. If I am allowed to do certain things in this country, other people (who pay taxes and avoid a life of crime) should be able to do those exact things. Period. Yay America.

Now, as I navigate through my own identity issues, I'm starting to realize on a very personal level that being true to who you are is more important that coming up with a label for it. That is why I appreciate the HRC's fight for LGBT equal rights, and their help in creating an environment where people feel safe enough to be true to themselves.

Day 19- Getting Even

So I finally feel like I'm coming down off this emotional high. Which is not to say that I'm feeling low again. I came from a very wounded place, thinking I was the butt of the universe's cruel random joke, and flung myself into a state of elation, assuring myself I was a relevant brushstroke of a colossal impressive masterpiece.

This is always my pattern. Trying to figure out how to comprise my "dual" personalities. Such a freaking Gemini. I have lived frantically on the fence of my own life...which way do I go, which way do I go? It's a challenge to feel pressured to be one thing when you're truly two things. But the fact of the matter is I just want to be myself. I just want to tear the damn fence down. I want to play peacefully in the middle of my spectrum.

I think I'm just now getting the hang of this. The best word I can use to describe the way I feel today is "even." Balanced, like a scale. But because I am such word nerd, it's not lost on me that a definition of even is also "divisible by two." Hmmmm. Interesting. Let me sleep on this.

Day 18- Seeing the good

It's quite late, but I wanted to write quickly about a new observation. Seeing the good despite the bad. Seeing the good in myself, in others, and in the universe. Seeing everything and everyone (even if in a chaotic state) as a reflection of natural goodness. As I've said before, I think GULP has helped me re-connect with my spiritual side. Lots of religious folks hate it when other people say "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual." But there is something to that statement as far as I'm concerned.

I feel like I sort of walked away from religion because it somehow got negatively associated with so many aspects of my day to day decisions. Namely the fear that I let dictate most of my life. I made a lot of hasty decisions to try and alleviate the fear, guilt, shame, etc. Now as I try to come to terms with the aftermath of those decisions, I realize how angry I was at "God." But I'm starting to see that wasn't God. It was just fear. I was afraid to be my own person.

So now, after much reflection, reading, writing, GULPing, etc., I am finally becoming closer to what I will refer to as God. I still feel uncomfortable saying God because the whole idea is so different than my old perception. I'm starting to view God as a force, not as some old all-knowing bearded judge with a triton or sceptor or something ridiculous like that. I now see God as a pure, true, GOOD force. THE force of nature. I see God in people now too, even people who have hurt me. I see God in myself. I think God and the Universe are the same thing. I am thrilled to finally call myself spiritual. It was a part of me that was seriously missing. And I am thankful that it is helping me make sense of my world for a change.

Today, I ran into one of my friends at the store. He is someone I hardly see anymore due to the circumstances of my separation. He is a friend who has struggled for many years with alcoholism. In the past, I have pleaded, cried, yelled, begged for him to get help. So many times I just wanted to walk away from being friends with him because it hurt me to watch him hurt himself. The first second I saw him today (it's been months), it felt like Christmas morning. I only saw his good. I hugged him tight and wanted to cry because I love him so much. It feels good to see such a light in people. It feels good to see light everywhere. It feels good to see good.

Day 17- More co-winky-dinks

Quick hitter:

So I rented this movie called The Holiday from my new favorite place the PB Public Library. Another cheese-fest that I felt compelled to finish for some reason. But in a weird way I related to a lot of it. I related to the characters and how they learned to just stop struggling and get out of their own way. And lo and behold, another coincidence. A few days ago, I was thinking about this song Let Go by Frou Frou because it came up on my ishuffle. Back in the day when I first heard this song on the Garden State Soundtrack, I thought, meh. This time around, though, I related to the lyrics in a whole new way and had a new appreciation for the tune. Fast forward to last night when I was watching this movie. Guess what song came on in the middle of the movie? Yep. That's the one. I think this universe is trying to tell me something. Like let go Lindsay.

Let Go by Frou Frou:
drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Day 16- All you need is love

I am baffled by how much my outlook has changed in these 16 days. I feel like I have opened my heart and mind and all the good things in the world just keep rushing in. When I first started blogging, I remember writing something about love being the most painful thing I've ever experienced. But I am starting to see that love doesn't have to hurt if you don't let it. In the last couple weeks I have learned that love is EVERYWHERE. And it's not the kind of love you feel between your legs. =) It is honest and real and seeks no satisfaction other than to just exist.

I know you may think I'm talking crazy, but I swear, in giving up life's pleasures, I have also found a way to give up whatever control I thought I had. Even though there is so much uncertainty in my life, I feel lighter and calmer than I ever have in my whole life. Instead of trying to be the queen of my small dark world, I am now an eager student of the massive beautiful universe. I feel lucky to be here.

And because I am more positive, I'm finding myself drawn to positive people. Tonight I met a woman who was awarded one of SDSU's first female athletic scholarships as a result of Title IX. Her eyes welled up with proud tears when she talked about it, and I felt so much love in my heart just listening to her story. At last nights open mic, a guy sang a song he had written while at a bus stop. It was about how much love he felt for all the strangers hustling and bustling around him. The chorus was literally "I love everbody." My heart was bursting with joy, and I felt lucky to be in the room. Two weeks ago, I know I wouldn't have experienced these moments in the same way. I probably wouldn't have experienced these moments at all.

I will close by saying that some people have said they may be interested in trying something like GULP. I still have a long way to go, and I know I won't always be so elated with elightenment, but I HIGHLY suggest this project to you if you feel consumed in any way. By time, by stress, by your job, by heartbreak, by loss, by guilt, etc. Just do it. I plan on doing different versions of this project like once a year just to "reset" myself. And as icing on the cake, you get to donate to worthy causes in the process. Win mother effing win. Good night all, my thumbs are tired from iphoning this entry!