Here I Go Again on my Owwwwn (except not on my own)

So this:
...spawned 30 more days of giving stuff up. This time, I'm the charity. Clearly, some of the lessons I learned during GULP did not stick. I think I expected this to happen, but not to the extent of the above video. Clearly I have not overcome emotional eating. I know the answer is not to go 30 days binging, 30 days off...but for now this is what I've decided to do. GULP provided more clarity, and surprisingly, more spirituality than I've ever had and I think part of me just wants a little of it back. I know I have to figure out a way to practice moderation eventually, but in the meantime I'm just gonna go with the abstinence route. It's kind of the easy (but hard) way out.

Good news is, I am not doing it alone. My sis is back at it, and I've also recruited some more friends/family to do their own modified versions. I'm on Day 4 so far, and all is well. I don't miss the alcohol and I've actually eaten some really tasty home-cooked/prepared meals.

I don't think I'm going to be blogging every day, but I'll check in periodically to let you know what's cracking. Wish me luck!

Day 28- Like a genie on the tabletop surfin through the month of may.

Well, we made it. Six more hours and GULP will be done. I can't believe how much I've learned about myself in such a short period of time. Here's a recap of the most important things:

1. I love my sister. She is my rock and my blanket.
2. I am an awesome person, and I get to say that without feeling like it sounds conceited. I've spent way too much of my life feeling low self-worth and was just downright mean to myself. It is not overconfident for me to say I am God's gift to the world, because...
3. So are you. And once you start seeing the world around you as a gift, it's pointless to dwell on the painful stuff. In fact, the painful stuff becomes far less painful.
4. I have a great supporrt system. All the nice emails and comments and conversations I had with you (you know who you are) got me through this. I love being a part of such supportive communities (music, basketball, online, etc.). I've learned all you have to do for help is open up and receive it because it is already there waiting for you.
5. I need people. But I don't need one person to define me. I still feel lonely from time to time and struggle with codependency, but each day, I find myself more and more comfortable in my own skin, and that's something I've never experienced until now.
6. I am lucky and blessed. Lucky to have so many dietary choices. Lucky to have a job and a car and a place to sleep. Blessed that GULP is an experiment and not a every-day reality. Blessed to have music to turn to rather than a destructive coping mechanism like drugs or alcohol.
7. As much as I needed this personal journey of self-discovery, I get to help people at the end of this. I will tally up my final number soon, but I think I will be able to give at least a couple hundred bucks to each of my charities. How cool is that?
8. I have made a committment to be true to myself. Even if I'm unsure about something, I will honor that uncertainty as valid and meaningful, and I will keep myself open and receptive to the world around me. I will get out of my own way and find myself in the process.

Al Stewart sums it up pretty darn good:
http://www.alstewart.com/lyrics/genieonatabletop.htm


Thank you GULP (and therapy and reading and music and God) for pulling me out of my pity-party and helping me start filling my soul with all the positive things life has to offer!

Day 27- I mean really, are we there yet?

I want this done. Not so much the emotional, physical and spiritual benefits, but the restrictions are starting to get to me. Plus, Haley is here and her diet is WAY more restricted so she is starting to get really grumpy with the anticipation of the end.

Tomorrow night. Midnight. Me and Haley and a bottle of wine. Boo yah. Gotstago.

Day 26- The Last Days with the Sis

Day 26- Sister Time!

Last night was the best! The band killed it at U31, and it was so great to look out into a crowd of people I love, especially my sister who drove all the way from Corcoran to support me!

I love sister time! Today we woke up and walked to Trader Joe's to stock up on our last round of GULP groceries. Her diet is far more restricted than mine so we had to figure out how to make it work in my house. In related news, I found out where the pots and pans are stored in my new place after two months of living there. GULP has not made me a cook. :)

It is so cool we get to spend the remainder of our GULP days together! Due to the fact my room is the size of a shoebox, we decided to stay the night tonight at a cheap motel. (We both REALLY love staying in cheap motels for some reason). Usually it's more fun with alcohol, but we're making it work with apples. Cause that's how we GULP!

Day 25- I'm So Excited!

HAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAH

I am too excited for my show tonight at U31 to blog about my innermost thoughts. So I'll leave you with a classic Saved by the Bell moment.

PS- We've added another GULPer to the list!!! Check out Nikki's link!

Day 24- Don't Hate:Create!

Woke up and went on another walk this morning. Soooo refreshing. The air smells good in San Diego. This time I added an ambient music channel to my Pandora app and no garbage truck noises got in the way of my meditation on top of the hill. I took this book with me I've been reading called "One Day my Soul Just Opened Up". It has daily lessons, and today's was about Creativity. The book's overall message is that everything in this universe is a manifestation of "God". <---one day I hope I will comfortable not using quotations on that word. This message applies to creativity in that we all possess a powerful and divine ability to make things happen simply by thinking, saying and doing. Essentially, we "create" our world. How true.

This got my thoughts wandering on a couple ideas. Take the whole argument of "creationism" vs "science" for example. I think the best answer to that age-old riddle is both, dude. I don't think you can have one without the other.

Now think about music. I was talking to my friend Nico the other night about how cool it was that music is the perfect blend of artistic creation and mathematics. Without tempos, beats, and chord structures and progressions that make perfect mathematical sense, music wouldn't exist. On the flip side, music not connected to passion or human ritual might as well just be clock on the wall, or an annoying clicktrack. Music is truly the language of God.<---There, no quotation marks.

Now think about your heartbeat. Like music, it keeps both time and feelings. I know some people might argue that you don't actually feel things in your heart. To those people I say, lucky you for not ever hurting that bad. I have FELT pain in my heart, and I'm not talking about the kind of pain that comes from eating spicy food and leaves after a little dose of Maalox. Just recently I have FELT joy in my heart too.

How could I NOT feel joy in my heart after making all these connections? The puzzle is turning into a picture here, and I am a piece of it, and so are you. PLUS, I have this great ability to CREATE music, the most beautiful and perfect language. Oh, what a feeling.

Sorry, that went off on a crazy new age hippy tangent there. Hahaha, don't be afraid to make fun of me, I know I sound nuts sometimes. In other news, we have our first GULP convert! Check out Courtney's blog (link to the right). She's going 30 days in order to save money for an upcoming vacation...hope you follow her and cheer her on! Wouldn't it be cool, if she inspires someone to do the next thirty days, and so on and so forth. Think of what a difference could be made!

This picture has nothing to do with anything I just said. But it makes me die laughing everytime I see it. Thought I'd share:

Day 23- Wake & Walk

I can't believe GULP is so close to being over. 5 more days!

It's hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago, I was deep down depressed. I look at the videos of songs I was posting at that time and I feel like I'm watching someone else. Someone really really lost. I am so thankful to not wake up feeling like that every day.

The one thing I haven't really been able to jump start during my GULP project is exercising. I play bball about once a week, but I know I should be doing more. I have made a lot of mental/emotional progress, but I know physical activity goes hand-in-hand with staying positivie. This morning, I slowly started integrating this into my life again. Nothing too crazy. I woke up this morning and took a walk to the top of Kate Sessions Park. It is a beautiful way to start your morning, regardless of the exercise factor. What a fabulous view of this spectacular city we live in.

I want to use these walks in the morning as another way to gain clarity, so on my way up the hill, I practiced something resembling prayer/affirmations/gratitude. Then when I got to the top, I sat on a bench and quietly attempted to meditate/receive. Unfortunately, the loud garbage trucks didn't get the memo. I'm sure I'll eventually be able to tune them out, but it was my first try! Next time: headphones & ambient music.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't even break a sweat, but it felt good to be outside. And I have noticed that today was probably the least negative and most energetic I have ever been on a Monday here at the office. Excercise: keeping employees from stabbing their eyes out with a stapler since the dawn of cubicles. : )

Band practice tonight. I have a big show on Wednesday. I smile just thinking about how awesome it's gonna be. And I'm even okay with the fact that I still won't be able to drink that day.