Day 3 - Pity Party

Just heard they issued a tornado warning for North County. I'm a bit worried because I have to drive all over the dang place this afternoon/evening. First destination: therapy. Oh therapy, how I love you. I can't afford you but you tell me like it is.

One of the reasons I started this whole GULP project is because I hate the feeling of wallowing in my own self-pity. I have experienced so much pain in the last year, it's easy to sink down into the darkness and not want to come out. Between my grandpa dying, my parents divorcing, my own separation with my husband, and a host of other "identity" problems, I feel like this version of myself that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with splintered into a million pieces and now all that's left is a big fat question mark. I'm 26 years old and I have no idea who I am. Scary. I get lost in an endless train of thought sometimes, usually involving questions that can't be answered very thoroughly. Seems like lately the only answer the universe is giving me is because that's the way it is. I go back and forth between assigning insane amounts of guilt to myself for hurting people I care about, then blaming others for hurting me so deeply or not being there for me.

The bottom line is I am not a victim and neither is anyone else. My therapist directed me to this daily site that posts excerpts from the book "The Language of Letting Go". Today's section dealt with this topic:

"Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves - and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief such as: Other people make me feel.... Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny.... Or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place...Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries."

This is all becoming more rational to me, although I am by no means "cured" of these alternating feelings of guilt vs. blame. But I'm starting to discover that I am responsible for my own choices. I can choose to stay in this very dark place of not taking care of myself, where I want people to feel sorry for me and where I don't drink enough water, eat enough, or exercise. Or I can make small choices that will help lead me to a better place, like daily showers, constant writing, and of course, this GULP project. Time takes time. That's another thing my therapist always says. I have to have faith I'll get through this by allowing myself to discover myself. So I'm "pledging my time"(as Dylan would say) to myself, hoping I'll come through, too.