Day 9- Team CoCo

I know I talk about being sad a lot. I know I write about it, sing about it, think about it a lot. I KNOW I do, and I'm sorry if that is disturbing or annoying to anyone. I feel it must be, because it is disturbing and annoying to me too. I am always searching for something. Fighting to find something to fill a void in me. Not only fighting to find it, but fighting in a hurry against this short timeline of my existence. I mentioned on Saturday in my blog that I surrounded myself with great people and great music that day, yet I still went home miserable. I don't know the reason for this. The only way I can describe it is so: Some people who need organ tranplants (kidneys, liver, etc.) wait forever to find "a match." Some are lucky enough to find the match, some aren't.

I've felt for a very long time, and still do, that I don't have my match. Let's get this straight, I don't even know if I'm talking about a person. My husband, my sister, my family, my friends, I have connected to people very deeply in many ways. Creativity, writing, music- I connect deeply with these things too. But I am still missing my match, whatever that is. I'm starting to think it's me. I think I need to fill the void with more me. That scares me for some reason.

BUT- I will say even though this is a huge struggle, I feel an enormous appreciation for all the beauty this universe offers. I am lucky to be an active part in it. I am overwhelmed by how connected EVERYTHING is. I'm grateful that there are plenty people in this world who actually care about me. I know I'm on this planet for one if not several reasons, and I'm excited to discover them.

I watched/listened to the last episode of Conan O'brien online as I typed this up in another window. (Maybe one day I will tell you how about the odd connection I feel to certain people I will most likely never meet- Conan, Dave Grohl, Steve Nash and Zach Braff- there, I told you about it). Anyway, in his last moments on air (around the 35:30 minute mark below), Conan asked the audience to not be cynical. He said if you work hard and you're kind, great things will happen. I believe this to be true. Don't get me wrong, I've had some cynical, lazy, & mean moments...sometimes all at once. But deep down, my heart is made of the good stuff, and because it is, great things are coming down the pipe. They effing better be anyway. :)