Day 8- I'm a Cheating Cheater

Alright, I cheated. I cheated so I could actually type this out on a real keyboard. And also because it's hard to do business as a musician without freaking internet access at your house!! So I forked over 1.50 for some tea at Cafe 976. Small price to pay to upload a new song and blog a bit, I think. Plus, I didn't have to tell you. No one here knows of my insane GULPing efforts. So at least I'm an honest cheater.

Today was okay. I have to admit, I'm not really all that hungry, but I miss food. Like the kind that comes out of an oven, or at least from the top of an oven. I haven't used this experiment as a way to learn how to cook yet, but I'm starting to think I may have to. I'm getting semi-tired of peanut butter and jelly and the like. It's been awhile since I've had an actual meal. I bet I'm losing weight, but haven't bothered weighing myself because I don't really feel overweight or underweight so I don't care. I don't really think about food too much, at least not as much as I used to. It's funny how in my life, food has definitely held its place as an emotional crutch for me. I used to do the bingeing thing without the purging thing. Probably the grossest thing I've ever done on a regular basis. It was like an out-of-body experience every time it happened. I would get in this zone where I would get as much food as possible, eat 1/2 of it in the car and then the other half at home. After I finished, I would "come to" and feel horrible. I wanted to throw up, but could never make myself. Hence the weight I gained at the end of last year.

Weight Watchers kind of helped me get a grip on that, and helped me come to terms with the purpose of food. We need food to nurture our bodies and sustain our health. We don't need to use it as a filler to replace whatever else we might be missing in life. It's funny what a different place I'm in regarding food when it comes to emotions. Now when I'm sad I can barely stomach the thought of food.

On the other hand, I know that food can be very communal; something to bring people together, something to enjoy and savour. These are the things I'm starting to miss, not only in the land of GULP, but in my personal life. In my marriage, and with our group of friends, food was what we DID (and what they are continuing to do without me, I presume). Someone wanting to try a new recipe out was reason enough to gather everyone in one place and enjoy each other's company. Someone's birthday BBQ. Someone's engagement dinner. An annual Thanksgiving party. Going out to lunch. It's not the food I miss, it's the people. Duh Lindsay.

I know no matter what happens in this ongoing journey, I will have these things again. These people. I don't know if they will be the same people or different people, but eventually I will have them and hopefully a lot of them. But for now, it's just me with my tea. I think I'm slowly getting better at being okay with this. I just hope I don't become a professional.