Smoothing out and Settling Down

I just wanted to pop-in for a few sentences to say that I plan on writing an update very soon. My last blog entry was super depressing and I wanted to let the world know (and maybe just verify for myself) that I am doing better than I have in a long time.

I'm still going through some challenges, but I am giving and receiving love in my life and who could ask for more than that? I will give some more detail when I have some free time. Until then, just know I'm smiling.

Here I Go Again on my Owwwwn (except not on my own)

So this:
...spawned 30 more days of giving stuff up. This time, I'm the charity. Clearly, some of the lessons I learned during GULP did not stick. I think I expected this to happen, but not to the extent of the above video. Clearly I have not overcome emotional eating. I know the answer is not to go 30 days binging, 30 days off...but for now this is what I've decided to do. GULP provided more clarity, and surprisingly, more spirituality than I've ever had and I think part of me just wants a little of it back. I know I have to figure out a way to practice moderation eventually, but in the meantime I'm just gonna go with the abstinence route. It's kind of the easy (but hard) way out.

Good news is, I am not doing it alone. My sis is back at it, and I've also recruited some more friends/family to do their own modified versions. I'm on Day 4 so far, and all is well. I don't miss the alcohol and I've actually eaten some really tasty home-cooked/prepared meals.

I don't think I'm going to be blogging every day, but I'll check in periodically to let you know what's cracking. Wish me luck!

Day 28- Like a genie on the tabletop surfin through the month of may.

Well, we made it. Six more hours and GULP will be done. I can't believe how much I've learned about myself in such a short period of time. Here's a recap of the most important things:

1. I love my sister. She is my rock and my blanket.
2. I am an awesome person, and I get to say that without feeling like it sounds conceited. I've spent way too much of my life feeling low self-worth and was just downright mean to myself. It is not overconfident for me to say I am God's gift to the world, because...
3. So are you. And once you start seeing the world around you as a gift, it's pointless to dwell on the painful stuff. In fact, the painful stuff becomes far less painful.
4. I have a great supporrt system. All the nice emails and comments and conversations I had with you (you know who you are) got me through this. I love being a part of such supportive communities (music, basketball, online, etc.). I've learned all you have to do for help is open up and receive it because it is already there waiting for you.
5. I need people. But I don't need one person to define me. I still feel lonely from time to time and struggle with codependency, but each day, I find myself more and more comfortable in my own skin, and that's something I've never experienced until now.
6. I am lucky and blessed. Lucky to have so many dietary choices. Lucky to have a job and a car and a place to sleep. Blessed that GULP is an experiment and not a every-day reality. Blessed to have music to turn to rather than a destructive coping mechanism like drugs or alcohol.
7. As much as I needed this personal journey of self-discovery, I get to help people at the end of this. I will tally up my final number soon, but I think I will be able to give at least a couple hundred bucks to each of my charities. How cool is that?
8. I have made a committment to be true to myself. Even if I'm unsure about something, I will honor that uncertainty as valid and meaningful, and I will keep myself open and receptive to the world around me. I will get out of my own way and find myself in the process.

Al Stewart sums it up pretty darn good:
http://www.alstewart.com/lyrics/genieonatabletop.htm


Thank you GULP (and therapy and reading and music and God) for pulling me out of my pity-party and helping me start filling my soul with all the positive things life has to offer!

Day 27- I mean really, are we there yet?

I want this done. Not so much the emotional, physical and spiritual benefits, but the restrictions are starting to get to me. Plus, Haley is here and her diet is WAY more restricted so she is starting to get really grumpy with the anticipation of the end.

Tomorrow night. Midnight. Me and Haley and a bottle of wine. Boo yah. Gotstago.

Day 26- The Last Days with the Sis

Day 26- Sister Time!

Last night was the best! The band killed it at U31, and it was so great to look out into a crowd of people I love, especially my sister who drove all the way from Corcoran to support me!

I love sister time! Today we woke up and walked to Trader Joe's to stock up on our last round of GULP groceries. Her diet is far more restricted than mine so we had to figure out how to make it work in my house. In related news, I found out where the pots and pans are stored in my new place after two months of living there. GULP has not made me a cook. :)

It is so cool we get to spend the remainder of our GULP days together! Due to the fact my room is the size of a shoebox, we decided to stay the night tonight at a cheap motel. (We both REALLY love staying in cheap motels for some reason). Usually it's more fun with alcohol, but we're making it work with apples. Cause that's how we GULP!

Day 25- I'm So Excited!

HAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAH

I am too excited for my show tonight at U31 to blog about my innermost thoughts. So I'll leave you with a classic Saved by the Bell moment.

PS- We've added another GULPer to the list!!! Check out Nikki's link!

Day 24- Don't Hate:Create!

Woke up and went on another walk this morning. Soooo refreshing. The air smells good in San Diego. This time I added an ambient music channel to my Pandora app and no garbage truck noises got in the way of my meditation on top of the hill. I took this book with me I've been reading called "One Day my Soul Just Opened Up". It has daily lessons, and today's was about Creativity. The book's overall message is that everything in this universe is a manifestation of "God". <---one day I hope I will comfortable not using quotations on that word. This message applies to creativity in that we all possess a powerful and divine ability to make things happen simply by thinking, saying and doing. Essentially, we "create" our world. How true.

This got my thoughts wandering on a couple ideas. Take the whole argument of "creationism" vs "science" for example. I think the best answer to that age-old riddle is both, dude. I don't think you can have one without the other.

Now think about music. I was talking to my friend Nico the other night about how cool it was that music is the perfect blend of artistic creation and mathematics. Without tempos, beats, and chord structures and progressions that make perfect mathematical sense, music wouldn't exist. On the flip side, music not connected to passion or human ritual might as well just be clock on the wall, or an annoying clicktrack. Music is truly the language of God.<---There, no quotation marks.

Now think about your heartbeat. Like music, it keeps both time and feelings. I know some people might argue that you don't actually feel things in your heart. To those people I say, lucky you for not ever hurting that bad. I have FELT pain in my heart, and I'm not talking about the kind of pain that comes from eating spicy food and leaves after a little dose of Maalox. Just recently I have FELT joy in my heart too.

How could I NOT feel joy in my heart after making all these connections? The puzzle is turning into a picture here, and I am a piece of it, and so are you. PLUS, I have this great ability to CREATE music, the most beautiful and perfect language. Oh, what a feeling.

Sorry, that went off on a crazy new age hippy tangent there. Hahaha, don't be afraid to make fun of me, I know I sound nuts sometimes. In other news, we have our first GULP convert! Check out Courtney's blog (link to the right). She's going 30 days in order to save money for an upcoming vacation...hope you follow her and cheer her on! Wouldn't it be cool, if she inspires someone to do the next thirty days, and so on and so forth. Think of what a difference could be made!

This picture has nothing to do with anything I just said. But it makes me die laughing everytime I see it. Thought I'd share:

Day 23- Wake & Walk

I can't believe GULP is so close to being over. 5 more days!

It's hard to believe that just 3 weeks ago, I was deep down depressed. I look at the videos of songs I was posting at that time and I feel like I'm watching someone else. Someone really really lost. I am so thankful to not wake up feeling like that every day.

The one thing I haven't really been able to jump start during my GULP project is exercising. I play bball about once a week, but I know I should be doing more. I have made a lot of mental/emotional progress, but I know physical activity goes hand-in-hand with staying positivie. This morning, I slowly started integrating this into my life again. Nothing too crazy. I woke up this morning and took a walk to the top of Kate Sessions Park. It is a beautiful way to start your morning, regardless of the exercise factor. What a fabulous view of this spectacular city we live in.

I want to use these walks in the morning as another way to gain clarity, so on my way up the hill, I practiced something resembling prayer/affirmations/gratitude. Then when I got to the top, I sat on a bench and quietly attempted to meditate/receive. Unfortunately, the loud garbage trucks didn't get the memo. I'm sure I'll eventually be able to tune them out, but it was my first try! Next time: headphones & ambient music.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't even break a sweat, but it felt good to be outside. And I have noticed that today was probably the least negative and most energetic I have ever been on a Monday here at the office. Excercise: keeping employees from stabbing their eyes out with a stapler since the dawn of cubicles. : )

Band practice tonight. I have a big show on Wednesday. I smile just thinking about how awesome it's gonna be. And I'm even okay with the fact that I still won't be able to drink that day.

Day 22- Pogo Stick

I really have nothing much to write about today. I guess I'll start by thanking Rob Deez and Nick Z for letting me treat their apartment like a second home/restaurant/internet cafe/blockbuster video.

But in other news, check out this new song. It's about life...on a pogo stick.

Day 21- Uno mas week

Lindsay White here, coming to you live from the Pacific Beach Public Library, or the "business center" as I call it. I think they'll give me my own name placard and cubicle pretty soon because I come here like it's my JOB. Look at all these beautiful books! (Yes I'm the girl taking pictures of myself in the library! Such a dork!)

My sis and I have one week to go on our GULP challenge. Let me say again that I think the world would be a much better place if everyone did this at least one month a year. I challenge you to do it! It's like a chiropractor for your soul. I had some bad soul posture, and this sure helped get me back in line. Want proof? I can give you a few examples that happened today alone.

1) I had an opportunity this morning (won't go into specifics) to behave like a pathetic, sad and/or angry person. A week ago I would have taken that opportunity. But instead I just wanted to be kind. I wanted to be a manifestation of all the good I am seeing in the world. How cool is that?

2) I wrote a happy song today. For realz. As I've been going through GULP, I've noticed my songs turning a corner. The last few have had a bad-stuff-happened-and-i'm-getting-over-it kind of feel. But this one was just straight-up happy. I almost fell out of my shoes.

3) I danced. By myself. In my room. To Justin Timberlake.

Day 20- Why the HRC

The way I express my truth is kind of unusual by most people's standards. I feel more comfortable writing my truth than saying it for two reasons. One- written words come out of a very organic place for me and I decided a long time ago that I would never censor them. Two- usually my writing is semi-cleverly disguised in some metaphor. You can only discover my truth if you care to be analytical. Not everyone does, which protects me from the idiots, so to speak.

Now I know once I click "upload", my written words (via song/poem/blog/etc) become available for all the world to see. But for some reason it doesn't matter to me. When I come up with these words, it's just me alone with myself. So why would I hide anything? I guess I also get the feeling that the handful of people who actually care to watch/read what I post genuinely care about me and would want me to be honest with them. With that said, I believe it is important for people to be able to express their own truth in whatever manner they choose, and feel safe in doing so. That is why I've chosen the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) and as a recipient of one third of my GULP savings.

About the HRC: "As the largest national lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization, HRC envisions an America where LGBT people are ensured of their basic equal rights, and can be open, honest and safe at home, at work and in the community."

I was raised with the impression that it was a sin to be homosexual. One of my cousins is a lesbian, so you can imagine this made for some awkward family get-togethers. As I grew up and started developing my own thoughts and beliefs, it just seemed silly to me that God would punish someone for being in love with someone else. And it also seemed silly to me that you could control who you were attracted to on a physical level. That's just straight up science, homie. So I decided for myself that it is NOT a sin to be homosexual.

Two important things. 1) the above statements are my opinion and everyone knows those are like belly buttons 2) the above statements are rooted in religion. So riddle me this, batman. Why are LGBT civil rights issues being mixed up in perspective and religion? People are people, no matter what. Equal rights are equal rights, no matter what. If I am allowed to do certain things in this country, other people (who pay taxes and avoid a life of crime) should be able to do those exact things. Period. Yay America.

Now, as I navigate through my own identity issues, I'm starting to realize on a very personal level that being true to who you are is more important that coming up with a label for it. That is why I appreciate the HRC's fight for LGBT equal rights, and their help in creating an environment where people feel safe enough to be true to themselves.

Day 19- Getting Even

So I finally feel like I'm coming down off this emotional high. Which is not to say that I'm feeling low again. I came from a very wounded place, thinking I was the butt of the universe's cruel random joke, and flung myself into a state of elation, assuring myself I was a relevant brushstroke of a colossal impressive masterpiece.

This is always my pattern. Trying to figure out how to comprise my "dual" personalities. Such a freaking Gemini. I have lived frantically on the fence of my own life...which way do I go, which way do I go? It's a challenge to feel pressured to be one thing when you're truly two things. But the fact of the matter is I just want to be myself. I just want to tear the damn fence down. I want to play peacefully in the middle of my spectrum.

I think I'm just now getting the hang of this. The best word I can use to describe the way I feel today is "even." Balanced, like a scale. But because I am such word nerd, it's not lost on me that a definition of even is also "divisible by two." Hmmmm. Interesting. Let me sleep on this.

Day 18- Seeing the good

It's quite late, but I wanted to write quickly about a new observation. Seeing the good despite the bad. Seeing the good in myself, in others, and in the universe. Seeing everything and everyone (even if in a chaotic state) as a reflection of natural goodness. As I've said before, I think GULP has helped me re-connect with my spiritual side. Lots of religious folks hate it when other people say "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual." But there is something to that statement as far as I'm concerned.

I feel like I sort of walked away from religion because it somehow got negatively associated with so many aspects of my day to day decisions. Namely the fear that I let dictate most of my life. I made a lot of hasty decisions to try and alleviate the fear, guilt, shame, etc. Now as I try to come to terms with the aftermath of those decisions, I realize how angry I was at "God." But I'm starting to see that wasn't God. It was just fear. I was afraid to be my own person.

So now, after much reflection, reading, writing, GULPing, etc., I am finally becoming closer to what I will refer to as God. I still feel uncomfortable saying God because the whole idea is so different than my old perception. I'm starting to view God as a force, not as some old all-knowing bearded judge with a triton or sceptor or something ridiculous like that. I now see God as a pure, true, GOOD force. THE force of nature. I see God in people now too, even people who have hurt me. I see God in myself. I think God and the Universe are the same thing. I am thrilled to finally call myself spiritual. It was a part of me that was seriously missing. And I am thankful that it is helping me make sense of my world for a change.

Today, I ran into one of my friends at the store. He is someone I hardly see anymore due to the circumstances of my separation. He is a friend who has struggled for many years with alcoholism. In the past, I have pleaded, cried, yelled, begged for him to get help. So many times I just wanted to walk away from being friends with him because it hurt me to watch him hurt himself. The first second I saw him today (it's been months), it felt like Christmas morning. I only saw his good. I hugged him tight and wanted to cry because I love him so much. It feels good to see such a light in people. It feels good to see light everywhere. It feels good to see good.

Day 17- More co-winky-dinks

Quick hitter:

So I rented this movie called The Holiday from my new favorite place the PB Public Library. Another cheese-fest that I felt compelled to finish for some reason. But in a weird way I related to a lot of it. I related to the characters and how they learned to just stop struggling and get out of their own way. And lo and behold, another coincidence. A few days ago, I was thinking about this song Let Go by Frou Frou because it came up on my ishuffle. Back in the day when I first heard this song on the Garden State Soundtrack, I thought, meh. This time around, though, I related to the lyrics in a whole new way and had a new appreciation for the tune. Fast forward to last night when I was watching this movie. Guess what song came on in the middle of the movie? Yep. That's the one. I think this universe is trying to tell me something. Like let go Lindsay.

Let Go by Frou Frou:
drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Day 16- All you need is love

I am baffled by how much my outlook has changed in these 16 days. I feel like I have opened my heart and mind and all the good things in the world just keep rushing in. When I first started blogging, I remember writing something about love being the most painful thing I've ever experienced. But I am starting to see that love doesn't have to hurt if you don't let it. In the last couple weeks I have learned that love is EVERYWHERE. And it's not the kind of love you feel between your legs. =) It is honest and real and seeks no satisfaction other than to just exist.

I know you may think I'm talking crazy, but I swear, in giving up life's pleasures, I have also found a way to give up whatever control I thought I had. Even though there is so much uncertainty in my life, I feel lighter and calmer than I ever have in my whole life. Instead of trying to be the queen of my small dark world, I am now an eager student of the massive beautiful universe. I feel lucky to be here.

And because I am more positive, I'm finding myself drawn to positive people. Tonight I met a woman who was awarded one of SDSU's first female athletic scholarships as a result of Title IX. Her eyes welled up with proud tears when she talked about it, and I felt so much love in my heart just listening to her story. At last nights open mic, a guy sang a song he had written while at a bus stop. It was about how much love he felt for all the strangers hustling and bustling around him. The chorus was literally "I love everbody." My heart was bursting with joy, and I felt lucky to be in the room. Two weeks ago, I know I wouldn't have experienced these moments in the same way. I probably wouldn't have experienced these moments at all.

I will close by saying that some people have said they may be interested in trying something like GULP. I still have a long way to go, and I know I won't always be so elated with elightenment, but I HIGHLY suggest this project to you if you feel consumed in any way. By time, by stress, by your job, by heartbreak, by loss, by guilt, etc. Just do it. I plan on doing different versions of this project like once a year just to "reset" myself. And as icing on the cake, you get to donate to worthy causes in the process. Win mother effing win. Good night all, my thumbs are tired from iphoning this entry!

Day 15- Open Mic Mania

Pacific Beach Library is my new favorite place. Thought I'd throw that out there. I've been here two days in a row on the weekend...which makes me a nerd, but I don't care. This place is full of things I love for free, like internet, books, dvds. Did I say internet? Now if they only had a soundproof room where I could record and upload new songs.

So today begins what was supposed to be a full week of open mic nights. Um, about that. I bit off a little more than I could chew on this one. I forgot I have a basketball game on Monday and band practice on Friday. Can't bail on either of those engagements, so this is going to be more like an Open Mic sunday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday. Event though it's going to be really hard not to buy food/drink at these places, I'm still really excited to do this! There is nothing cooler than seeing the wide range of talent in San Diego. And even if some of the people aren't exactly easy on the ears, everyone gets an A for effort. I love local music. Here's the schedule I think. If you find yourself bored in San Diego, open mics are great fun, and you should come check one out!

Sunday- Cafe Libertalia w/ Happy Ron 3834 5th Avenue 7:30pm
Tuesday- Portugalia w/ Jefferson Jay 4839 Newport Ave 9pm
Wednesday- South Park Bar & Grill 1946 Fern 9pm
Thursday- Rebecca's 3015 Juniper 8pm

As a thank you for reading, please enjoy a sneak peak from my upcoming album:
Visit this site
use the code GYRUT to download my song 25 Million People. Enjoy!

Day 14- Half Way!

I am excited. I am halfway through the GULP experiment! I am excited in the best way possible too. I am excited because I can't wait to see how much I grow in the next two weeks, not just because I want to hurry up and have a beer already. (Although that will be such a delicious treat).

I woke up today feeling calm for the first time since I can remember. Yes, I can still feel hints of sadness and anger and guilt in the back of my brain. If I wanted to, I could easily access these emotions and wallow in them. But for once, I am not letting them take over and dominate every single thought in my head. I am becoming more and more at peace with the unknown and finding something natural and orderly about the chaos in my life. It's amazing to me how loosening your grip on life's reins can actually make you feel more in control of your journey.

I still have so much to figure out and so many decisions to make, but I honestly feel like a new improved version of myself. I am loving little things like my new library card. I just ate a handful of trail mix that was so good I'll probably put some of it in the salad I make tonight. I am really enjoying recording my new album and love collaborating with my producer Alex. I was in the studio today, LOOKING at the sound wave my voice makes on the track and I almost fell over with the wonder of technology. There on the screen is a little mark I'm making on the world. It's awesome. Things I've taken for granted are all of a sudden knocking me off my feet. I even started toying around with the idea of writing an uplifting song for a change. A song without a "you." A song just for me.

That's all for now. Off to search the library for Catcher in the Rye...it's about time I read that book.

Day 13- Friday the 13th day of GULPing

I'm about 30 minutes away from another weekend of GULP. Weekends are the hardest because that's the time to relax and for me, relaxing usually involves some alcohol.

I think one of the awesome benefits of GULP is re-learning how to savour the things that bring you pleasure. When this project concludes and I am "allowed" to enjoy things like eating out, sweets, alcohol, shopping, etc., you can bet your arse I'm going to REALLY enjoy it. But not in excess. Cravings haven't been too bad thus far, but when I do get a craving, it is specifically for a BITE of chocolate or ONE really good beer. I guess pleasure in excess becomes a vice. When I would overeat or binge drink or compulsively shop, it was usually because I was trying to fill up that ever-present void I've been talking about so much. When this happens, you lose focus on what makes these things so pleasurable in the first place. It's been awhile since I've really savoured anything, and I'm excited to start.

On another note, I weighed myslef a couple days ago. 146 lbs. The lowest I've ever weighed since I was a teenager. When I joined Weight Watchers in January of 2009, I was 168lbs, the most I've ever weighed. I struggled for months trying to get to my goal weight of 147 lbs, but always teetered around 155lbs. I did learn a lot from the program, but I eventually cancelled my membership because I didn't want to pay for it. And here I am. 146 lbs. I know part of it is resulting from last December when I was so depressed I ate practically nothing. And I know part of it is resulting from these restrictions I've placed on my diet. But I'm not starving or anything. I eat at least three meals a day. I listen to my body. I feed it when it's hungry. I stop eating when I am getting full. I don't turn to food when I need to recognize a certain emotion. What a novel idea. Next up, exercise. =)

Off to go watch a high school girls basketball game with some friends! Looking forward to a fun-filled weekend! Tomorrow is half-way day...let's chat then.

Day 12- Why Leukemia & Lymphoma Society

I told you a little bit about my connection to the Alzheimer's Association last week, and today I want to explain why I'm donating to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

My friend and bandmate Joel Mendoza is a luekemia survivor. He battled (and won!) the disease before I met him. I won't go into detail about his fight because it is his story to tell. I will, however, go into detail about what he means to me.

When I set out to find a percussionist on craigslist (cue scary music), I was scared of having to deal with crazy people answering my listing. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of this site...I've furnished many an apartment quite nicely with the help of craig and his list. But we aren't talking about buying a gently used ikea coffee table here. We are talking about finding a PERSON to practice and gig with. Different story. Much more terrifying.

Lucky for me, Joel was the first person to answer my ad. He was not crazy and he was talented, so he was hired. Well, I guess that would imply that I paid him. (One day I will pay you Joel, I promise!)

From the get-go, we clicked as bandmates and as friends. I had always been amazed at his honesty, his good heart, and his positive outlook on life. Once he opened up to me about his battle with cancer, I was even more impressed by these qualities. Joel is a true inspiration in my life; a living, breathing, laughing example that you can not only overcome adversity, but you can come out on the other end in good spirits. I am genuinely blessed to have Joel in my life. He is my brother, and I chose LLS as a recipient of my donation in his honor.

Day 11- All aboard

For those of you following my journey, I finally ate my salad today and it was delicious. I loved every bite. Except I wonder why they put that crabgrass-y stuff in mixed greens. No one wants to eat that.

Today I woke up to a lovely message in my inbox, a message of encouragement and support. In fact, I've received several emails and messages from friends in the last 11 days that really do help keep me going. I think it's safe to say that my GULP experiment is coinciding with a larger personal journey. And I think it's safe to say that other people are helping me along on this journey. I'm thankful for that, and I'm thankful that my sister talked me into doing this project because it has been a great way to prepare myself for said journey. It is providing me some much-needed clarity and awareness. By getting rid of my go-to distractions, I am able to look more honestly at my situation. It's like washing that gross filmy stuff off your bathroom mirror and saying, Oh...that's what I really look like.

Today was a little bit more progress. Not anything to really rah rah rah about, but progress nonetheless. We all know by now that I am not a poster child for positivity, but I actively attempted to re-route any negative thoughts and actions. Whenever I felt myself dwelling on something that made me feel pain, I recognized it and switched gears until the negative feeling was forgotten. I know the next step is replacing these thoughts with positive thoughts. I'm not gonna lie, this is pretty exhausting for me. I have spent years perfecting the pity party. I know it will take time to fully get on board the peace train. BUT I feel like I'm finally ready to buy my ticket.

I'll close with a personal note to my sister, who had a bad day today. Haley White, you are a beautiful, talented, magnificent person and my heart is bursting with love for you. Someday everything's gonna be different when you paint your masterpiece. (And I promise I'll be there with you) ;)

Day 10- Waking Up

I have made it to double digits in the land of GULP, which is reason to celebrate! I wanted to do things a little differently today and post my blog entry in the morning, mainly so I can share an experience with you while it's fresh in my mind.

My therapist had me read this book called "God on a Harley." I started it a couple days ago, and I will tell you off the bat that it is one of the most poorly-written cheese-fests I've ever laid my eyes on. It's about this woman who is in a rut and can't figure out why. Then all of a sudden "God" (or whatever you want to call it) appears to her in rugged, handsome, harley-riding human form and teaches her a bunch of lessons, namely how to love herself.

I almost had to stop reading this book a few times because it was really REALLY bad. Cheesey on ten. But, I kept flipping the pages because I knew I could probably take something from it, even if just a small pearl of wisdom. This morning, the sun woke me up before my alarm clock had a chance to. I laid there, thinking about the same stuff I always do: "this bed sucks and is killing my back" "my heart hurts" "my head hurts" "i hate work and i don't want to go" "i should go on a walk but i won't". Exhausting thoughts for the first minute of consciousness, right? Committed to not getting up until my alarm clock actually DID go off, I looked over at that stupid book and figured I might as well finish it since there were only a few pages left.

So far in the story, "God" had given the main character these commandments:
1. Do not build walls but learn to transcend them.
2. Live in the moment, for each one is precious and not to be squandered.
3. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

In the pages I read this morning, he finished the lesson with these:
4. Drop the ego. Be real. And watch what happens.
5. All things are possible all of the time.
6. Maintain Universal Flow. In giving, something is gained, and it is an act of generosity to receive.

This is stuff we've all heard before, but because we've heard it so much, it begins to fall into the "blah blah blah" psychobabble category. Sure, this stuff sounds great but it's too hard to apply in real life. I wasn't feeling very connected to anything, when BAM, out of nowhere, I read an unexpected sentence that snapped me out of my half-asleep ho-hum and made me cry. The main character was explaining how she was starting to enjoy the small things in life, and how much she was starting to appreciate herself as a result. She talked about how she minimized her work-load, moved into a smaller apartment, got rid of a lot of excess clothing, etc. And then she talked about for the first time in her life, she had stopped dieting and started listening to her body in order to feed it whatever it wanted whenever it wanted it. At that moment, she really WANTED a salad. Now to anyone else, this is just another stupid sentence in another stupid book, but I had to pick my jaw up off the floor and here's why:

Last night, before I went to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about how for the first time in my life, I really just WANTED a salad. I even made a date with myself for Wednesday after work to go to the grocery store and buy the perfect ingredients for the perfect salad, and make the exact salad I wanted, and eat the exact salad I wanted before going to band practice. I went to bed feeling silly about how excited I was over a stupid salad.

I hope you are learning about me in these blog entries. (I sure am!). But one thing you should know about me is how much I appreciate a great coincidence. I was MOVED TO TEARS by this coincidence, and it wasn't because some character in some book shared my lust for leafy greens. I felt for the first time in a long time that God/the Universe/Whatever-you-wanna-call-it was in this WITH me. Validating this journey and assuring me I'm not alone. That recent changes in my life are happening for a reason, even if they seem crazy. That there is nothing wrong with me. That I can't be responsible for how people treat me or perceive me, and that those things won't even affect me or hurt me AT ALL once I just start being true to myself and once I start giving the love I'm capable of giving without expecting anything in return. Whew. I tear up just typing about it. I am finally AWAKE!

To show my appreciation to this silly book for bringing me some peace (at last!), I decided to give one of its lessons a try. I challenged myself to live in the moment and find ten things I enjoyed/appreciated about my drive to work. And here they are:

1. The sun was shining beautifully.
2. I live on a street lined with about a million tall, gorgeous palm trees.
3. There weren't a lot of cars on the road, making it easy for me to pull out of my death-trap of a driveway.
4. I got to drive along Mission Bay, with beautiful views of downtown San Diego.
5. I enjoy the local musicians in my CD player- this morning was Zank and Eric James Polyn.
6. That traffic cop hiding around the bend that I loathe was NOT in his normal spot today pulling over innocent people who are really just trying to get to work without incident.
7. I have seat warmers in my car. Such a blessing to my behind.
8. My commute is only 15 minutes. It used to be 30 minutes at my old job. This gives me an extra two and half hours every week to do something cooler than sit in traffic.
9. Elevators. Brilliant!
10. Even though I wish I got paid extra for having to work 30 minutes a day more than everyone else in the office, I love being the first one to arrive here. It gives me time to make some tea and settle in.

I think Day 10 is a milestone. Celebrate with me...what ten things do you appreciate today?

Day 9- Team CoCo

I know I talk about being sad a lot. I know I write about it, sing about it, think about it a lot. I KNOW I do, and I'm sorry if that is disturbing or annoying to anyone. I feel it must be, because it is disturbing and annoying to me too. I am always searching for something. Fighting to find something to fill a void in me. Not only fighting to find it, but fighting in a hurry against this short timeline of my existence. I mentioned on Saturday in my blog that I surrounded myself with great people and great music that day, yet I still went home miserable. I don't know the reason for this. The only way I can describe it is so: Some people who need organ tranplants (kidneys, liver, etc.) wait forever to find "a match." Some are lucky enough to find the match, some aren't.

I've felt for a very long time, and still do, that I don't have my match. Let's get this straight, I don't even know if I'm talking about a person. My husband, my sister, my family, my friends, I have connected to people very deeply in many ways. Creativity, writing, music- I connect deeply with these things too. But I am still missing my match, whatever that is. I'm starting to think it's me. I think I need to fill the void with more me. That scares me for some reason.

BUT- I will say even though this is a huge struggle, I feel an enormous appreciation for all the beauty this universe offers. I am lucky to be an active part in it. I am overwhelmed by how connected EVERYTHING is. I'm grateful that there are plenty people in this world who actually care about me. I know I'm on this planet for one if not several reasons, and I'm excited to discover them.

I watched/listened to the last episode of Conan O'brien online as I typed this up in another window. (Maybe one day I will tell you how about the odd connection I feel to certain people I will most likely never meet- Conan, Dave Grohl, Steve Nash and Zach Braff- there, I told you about it). Anyway, in his last moments on air (around the 35:30 minute mark below), Conan asked the audience to not be cynical. He said if you work hard and you're kind, great things will happen. I believe this to be true. Don't get me wrong, I've had some cynical, lazy, & mean moments...sometimes all at once. But deep down, my heart is made of the good stuff, and because it is, great things are coming down the pipe. They effing better be anyway. :)

Day 8- I'm a Cheating Cheater

Alright, I cheated. I cheated so I could actually type this out on a real keyboard. And also because it's hard to do business as a musician without freaking internet access at your house!! So I forked over 1.50 for some tea at Cafe 976. Small price to pay to upload a new song and blog a bit, I think. Plus, I didn't have to tell you. No one here knows of my insane GULPing efforts. So at least I'm an honest cheater.

Today was okay. I have to admit, I'm not really all that hungry, but I miss food. Like the kind that comes out of an oven, or at least from the top of an oven. I haven't used this experiment as a way to learn how to cook yet, but I'm starting to think I may have to. I'm getting semi-tired of peanut butter and jelly and the like. It's been awhile since I've had an actual meal. I bet I'm losing weight, but haven't bothered weighing myself because I don't really feel overweight or underweight so I don't care. I don't really think about food too much, at least not as much as I used to. It's funny how in my life, food has definitely held its place as an emotional crutch for me. I used to do the bingeing thing without the purging thing. Probably the grossest thing I've ever done on a regular basis. It was like an out-of-body experience every time it happened. I would get in this zone where I would get as much food as possible, eat 1/2 of it in the car and then the other half at home. After I finished, I would "come to" and feel horrible. I wanted to throw up, but could never make myself. Hence the weight I gained at the end of last year.

Weight Watchers kind of helped me get a grip on that, and helped me come to terms with the purpose of food. We need food to nurture our bodies and sustain our health. We don't need to use it as a filler to replace whatever else we might be missing in life. It's funny what a different place I'm in regarding food when it comes to emotions. Now when I'm sad I can barely stomach the thought of food.

On the other hand, I know that food can be very communal; something to bring people together, something to enjoy and savour. These are the things I'm starting to miss, not only in the land of GULP, but in my personal life. In my marriage, and with our group of friends, food was what we DID (and what they are continuing to do without me, I presume). Someone wanting to try a new recipe out was reason enough to gather everyone in one place and enjoy each other's company. Someone's birthday BBQ. Someone's engagement dinner. An annual Thanksgiving party. Going out to lunch. It's not the food I miss, it's the people. Duh Lindsay.

I know no matter what happens in this ongoing journey, I will have these things again. These people. I don't know if they will be the same people or different people, but eventually I will have them and hopefully a lot of them. But for now, it's just me with my tea. I think I'm slowly getting better at being okay with this. I just hope I don't become a professional.

Day 7- Distractions

Today was good. And bad. I spent the day engulfed in music. Started recording "my recipe" which will be good. Then went to old time music and had a heaping helping of awesome old-timey music which was good. Then played for a roomful of attentive activists which was good. Then kicked it with new friends Rhythm and Laura which was good. Then went to Astras cd release and chatted it up with some good friends which was good. Resisted the urge to drink which was good. Then cried on the way home and now because my heart hurts no matter how many distractions I fill my day with. You guessed it, that was the bad part. Typing this all out on my phone because I don't have the Internet is also pretty unpleasant. I wonder how long it will take to stop feeling like this. I guess another thing I hope to learn from my GULP experience is patience. Peace out stupid iPhone.

Day 6- What makes you not suffocate?

Ok, on the GULP front, things are looking pretty good. I've reduced my swearing pretty significantly. I'm at about 2-3 swear words a day, which is still pretty expensive at .25/word, but at least I've gotten better.

I've had the same dinner for about 3 nights in a row, and all I can say is thank goodness for Trader Joe's Spinach Pizzas. You can put anything on them and it will taste delicious. Lunch at the office today was hard though. It was someone's birthday, so I had to pass up on the free deli lunch and the free german chocolate cake. When I was cleaning up the conference table after the party (yes, that is my lame responsibility), I saw the cake knife and wanted very badly to lick it clean. That was tough.

This entry's gonna be a little short since I have to run off to band practice, but one thing I started pondering about today was songwriting. I think about it all the time, but lately, I've been wondering how much of yourself you have to give up or give away for your art, or for whatever you're passionate about. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but lately I've been getting the same reaction from people regarding my writing-- Wow, your writing is getting so much better. Your songs and performances are so much more real. 99% of me is so genuinely thrilled to know that people are liking what I'm writing and relating to it or at least understanding that it's coming from a real place. But there's that one percent of me. That one percent of me wants to say, these songs are the only way I don't suffocate. These songs break my heart, I feel like I'm dying when I write them and I feel like I'm dying when I play them. But at the same time, they heal me. I don't know where I would put all this pain if not into music.

There is no real point to these thoughts, I just find it interesting, that's all. It took me getting to a place where I'm practically using my music as a survival tool for other people to come along for the ride, if you will. This also makes me wonder, what do other people do to keep from suffocating? Or do people just not feel like that for the most part? People always say how great love feels. I feel like love is the most painful thing I've ever experienced and writing songs is the only way to cope with it. I don't know. I know this whole thing probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but you have to understand it's Friday evening and I've been sober for 6 days. This is quite a different state of mind for me. Until tomorrow. :)

Day 5- Why Alzheimer's Association

So I thought I'd dedicate at least one entry to each of the charities that I am donating to. I'll start with the Alzheimer's Association. The reason this is so near and dear to my heart is because I watched Alzheimer's slowly chip away at my Grandma Ollie for over ten years. It not only destroyed her mind, but it scarred my family in ways that we still haven't quite recovered from.

I think of being a kid and all the great memories of my Grandma Ollie before she started slipping away. She taught us how to catch butterflies, she played cards and dominoes with us, she was a camping machine, there was always something made out of about 90% sugar baking in her oven, and she was ALWAYS laughing, smiling and loving. Always. She was the kind of lady who didn't care where you came from or what your story was, she loved you anyway. She was deeply spiritual and committed to her faith in a way I almost envy. She had a love with my Grandpa Bethel that I have never seen anyone else I know come close to.

The thing that makes Alzheimer's so hard is as these wonderful qualities were taken away from her, her body stayed. We became strangers to her and she became a stranger to us. There is no greater torture than being able to see a person you love every day and know that with each passing moment, they are becoming a shell of themselves. It was hard as a young girl to see what this disease did not only to my Grandma, but to my Grandpa, my mom and other close relatives. If it wasn't for my Grandpa's renewed interest in music, I don't think he could have survived as many years after she died. God love music. Synonyms.

For these reasons, I think the Alzheimer's Association is a worthy cause. I don't want to see families experience this kind of pain forever. And, yes, I'm being selfish, this stuff is genetic!

Day 4- Stopping the leaks

I said when I started this I wanted to learn about myself and about others. Here's a tidbit for each.

What I've learned about myself:
Today, I felt like one of those cartoon characters in a boat that's sprung a bunch of leaks. I have corked up the the shopping, swearing, drinking, fast food holes, but when I wasn't paying attention, the chocolate leak got worse. I'm finding out that certain pleasures and/or vices that I didn't give up as part of my GULP plan are starting to become more present. Time to nip that in the bud. No more chocolate or candy as of today. I don't really think I'll save a ton of money on this one since it's always just lying around the office, but I've found myself woofing down entire bags of M&Ms lately, and I think it's just so my mouth will be full enough not to swear, ya dig? And don't worry, I'm not trying to punish myself, but the whole point of this thing is to appreciate life's pleasures and reflect on them. I'm going to chill on the sweet tooth for a while just to make sure I'm not using it as a crutch to get me through the rest of this experience.

What I've learned about others:
My friends in the SD Music scene just flat out rock. I had a great time at Desi n' Friends last night. My girl Cathryn Beeks from ListenLocalSD puts on this "Game" there where we all write a song to the same title. This month's title was "Used to Be." As you can imagine, some of these songs were about lost love, and one of them made me just bawl, given all that's gone on lately in my life. (Shout out to songwriter Ken Lehnig for writing such amazing words...he said making someone cry is like "songwriter gold" which made me laugh cause I know it's true.) But anyway, I was lucky to be surrounded by people who didn't think I was an absolute freak for being so emotional. So I just want to say thanks to all my peeps who are down with ListenLocalSD, and who are down with me too. Thanks to Rob Deez for spitting a sick rap on my song. Thanks to Allegra for the hugs. And a big, fat thanks to Cathryn who was generous enough to donate her cut of my BareBack gigs this month to my GULP project. I love San Diego.

Day 3 - Pity Party

Just heard they issued a tornado warning for North County. I'm a bit worried because I have to drive all over the dang place this afternoon/evening. First destination: therapy. Oh therapy, how I love you. I can't afford you but you tell me like it is.

One of the reasons I started this whole GULP project is because I hate the feeling of wallowing in my own self-pity. I have experienced so much pain in the last year, it's easy to sink down into the darkness and not want to come out. Between my grandpa dying, my parents divorcing, my own separation with my husband, and a host of other "identity" problems, I feel like this version of myself that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with splintered into a million pieces and now all that's left is a big fat question mark. I'm 26 years old and I have no idea who I am. Scary. I get lost in an endless train of thought sometimes, usually involving questions that can't be answered very thoroughly. Seems like lately the only answer the universe is giving me is because that's the way it is. I go back and forth between assigning insane amounts of guilt to myself for hurting people I care about, then blaming others for hurting me so deeply or not being there for me.

The bottom line is I am not a victim and neither is anyone else. My therapist directed me to this daily site that posts excerpts from the book "The Language of Letting Go". Today's section dealt with this topic:

"Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing ourselves - and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling victimized because we're attempting to control their process or we're unreasonably expecting them to take care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief such as: Other people make me feel.... Others hold the key to my happiness and destiny.... Or, I can't be happy unless another behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place...Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being victimized by another's behavior. Our boundaries are being invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries."

This is all becoming more rational to me, although I am by no means "cured" of these alternating feelings of guilt vs. blame. But I'm starting to discover that I am responsible for my own choices. I can choose to stay in this very dark place of not taking care of myself, where I want people to feel sorry for me and where I don't drink enough water, eat enough, or exercise. Or I can make small choices that will help lead me to a better place, like daily showers, constant writing, and of course, this GULP project. Time takes time. That's another thing my therapist always says. I have to have faith I'll get through this by allowing myself to discover myself. So I'm "pledging my time"(as Dylan would say) to myself, hoping I'll come through, too.

Day 2- Something's cookin'

It's raining cats and dogs here in San Diego, and despite my typical less-than-sunny disposition, I hate this kind of weather. Leave the gloominess up to me San Diego- you stay sunny.

Day 2 has been rather uneventful so far, but there will be earth-shattering changes tonight. I have a good stash of food in my office for breakfast and lunch, so I wasn't tempted to eat out. I've managed to only swear twice today, which is a vast improvement considering I'm at work, which is a place that really gets my creative cursing juices flowing.

I picked a brilliant week to start this whole thing. San Diego Restaurant Week starts tonight. Before this whole project came to fruition, I had promised a friend I would take him somewhere to eat for his birthday. I had a master plan of trying out some restaurant we've never been to, but looks like things have changed. I don't want to go back on my word, so I'm cooking dinner. What? Stop the presses. The last thing I "cooked" was Top Ramen and that's only because I ran out of Easy Mac. If you have any ideas or recipes for an easy but delicious birthday dinner, let me know, I could use the help! I'm thinking pasta of some sort. It's still in the Top Ramen family so I don't think I'll have too much of a panic attack or burn the whole place down. I'll let you know how it goes.

The last thing I'll mention is how I'm starting to think about this whole Open Mic Week I'm going to do for my GULP experiment. The dates are January 31st-February 5th. I think I'll be going to Happy Ron's open mic on the 31st at Java Joe's (Cafe Libertalia). I need your help filling in the other dates...what are some other open mics around San Diego that would be supportive to my project? Help a sista out!

Wish me luck. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have all my fingers and both my eyebrows. Watch out kitchen, here I come.

Day One- Away we go!

Alright so it begins. I woke up today and one of the first sentences out of my mouth was "I want a f*cking Famous Star." This is going to be a looooooong 28 days. I think the no fast food/eating out/drinking part will get harder as time goes on but I HOPE the no swearing thing will get easier, otherwise I'm in trouble! I racked up $3.50 on my first day! I'm gonna have to take out a loan at this rate!

I want to make a few changes to my original "master plan" and also include earnings/tips from ALL shows during the 28 days, not just the open mics and Feb. 9 Bare Back Grill gig. I figure why not go all out. Tonight I played a show at Swedenborg Hall called Songwriters Acoustic Nights, and I managed to raise/earn $10 toward the cause! All in all, I'd say day one was a success!

Sorry for the tiny blog tonight, but I need to sign off so I can go find a bar of soap to rinse my mouth out with. I'm gonna need it to get through the ol' nine to five tomorrow!

The Plan

So I woke up this morning and checked my bank account. It was easy to identify and separate purchases made out of want rather than need. As I suspected, these purchases include eating/drinking out (fast food on the way to a show, beer at the show, etc.) and shopping (goodwill and ross mostly but i guess even thrifty shopping adds up).

But I want to be able to donate more than this. My goal is to save/raise at least $300 in 28 days. This way I can give at least $100 to each of the charities I chose (Alzheimer's Association, Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and the HRC).

My only problem was that I don't make a ton of money in the first place, so I was worried I wouldn't be able to get to my goal. I started asking myself, what are other ways I can use my time, resources, and skills to come up with enough money? And here you have it, the finalized layout of my GULP experiment:

I am giving up...
1. fast food and eating out (goodbye taco bell bean burrito! i will miss you!)
2. drinking alcohol (widmer sales might plummet)
3. shopping for clothes/accessories/shoes, etc. (i have about 35 pairs of shoes to hold me over)
4. random spending...unless it's a hospital, grocery store or gas station- if it has a cash register i will not spend money there...this includes online shopping (hopefully there are no awesome Groupons i have to pass up!)
5. my favorite words...i am going to make a swear jar for myself. every time i have a potty mouth, i will put .25 in it. (this one scares me- and i need your help- call me out if you catch me! Shiiiiiittttt. Sorry, just had to get it out of my system.)
6. my time...Sunday Jan 31st through Friday February 5th, I will attend a different open mic throughout San Diego and tell the audiences about this project. Any tips I receive will go toward my charities. (let me know which ones you think i should go to...it helps to know the host so they don't think i'm trying any funny business!)
7. my regular gig...for my hosting gig downtown at Bare Back Grill on Tuesday February 9th, I will set out a tip jar and anything donated will go toward my charities. I will also donate the money I make from hosting this day's show.

Finally, I also thought about not going to local music shows with a cover charge and donating what I would have spent at the door to my charities. But I decided against this as a strict rule because I know (at least I hope) my cover charge will make it to the local artist, who I never want to stop supporting. That said, I will still try to get on the list at shows and if I do, I'll donate what I would have spent at the door. Ya dig?

Okay. So there it is. I'm looking at it now thinking, oh God oh God oh God. But I know I can do it, especially with your support. Ready set go starting tomorrow morning. Don't worry, I'll try not to go on a bender tonight! (Although I will be checking out MC Flow and Rob Deez in North Park tonight, so I hope to see you there!) Thanks for reading.

GULP- the socially conscious new year's resolution

My sister approached me yesterday with the suggestion of participating together in this social experiment called GULP (Giving Up Life's Pleasures). The idea behind the project is for individuals to give up something that they would normally spend money on wastefully and then use their savings to donate to a worthy cause. By the way, we learned about it from this chick's blog: racheletto.blogspot.com.

I start on Sunday, so it is my goal over the next two days to think about what kinds of things I wastefully spend money on, what kinds of things I can challenge myself to live without, and what cause I would like to donate my savings toward. Feel free to join Haley and I in our quest.

So far, I am leaning toward cutting out all fast food/eating out, alcohol, and clothes/shoe shopping. These seem to be the things I spend most of my extra cash on while hopping around town from show to show, and of course while trying to look sassy. It will be really challenging since I hate even being in a kitchen and since I love being in awesome spiky heels.

As for where the money I save will go, I'm thinking of the following options, but not sure yet. It won't be much, but every little bit helps.
Alzheimer's Association
Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
Human Rights Campaign

What do I want out of this? I hope to learn about myself. I hope to learn about other people. I hope to have a new experience to share with my sister. I hope to help out a meaningful cause in a small but important way. I hope you join me, if not by participating, by reading my blog and sharing your thoughts and support. Thanks y'all. See ya on day 1.
We shall see how it goes...wish me luck.