Day 10- Waking Up

I have made it to double digits in the land of GULP, which is reason to celebrate! I wanted to do things a little differently today and post my blog entry in the morning, mainly so I can share an experience with you while it's fresh in my mind.

My therapist had me read this book called "God on a Harley." I started it a couple days ago, and I will tell you off the bat that it is one of the most poorly-written cheese-fests I've ever laid my eyes on. It's about this woman who is in a rut and can't figure out why. Then all of a sudden "God" (or whatever you want to call it) appears to her in rugged, handsome, harley-riding human form and teaches her a bunch of lessons, namely how to love herself.

I almost had to stop reading this book a few times because it was really REALLY bad. Cheesey on ten. But, I kept flipping the pages because I knew I could probably take something from it, even if just a small pearl of wisdom. This morning, the sun woke me up before my alarm clock had a chance to. I laid there, thinking about the same stuff I always do: "this bed sucks and is killing my back" "my heart hurts" "my head hurts" "i hate work and i don't want to go" "i should go on a walk but i won't". Exhausting thoughts for the first minute of consciousness, right? Committed to not getting up until my alarm clock actually DID go off, I looked over at that stupid book and figured I might as well finish it since there were only a few pages left.

So far in the story, "God" had given the main character these commandments:
1. Do not build walls but learn to transcend them.
2. Live in the moment, for each one is precious and not to be squandered.
3. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

In the pages I read this morning, he finished the lesson with these:
4. Drop the ego. Be real. And watch what happens.
5. All things are possible all of the time.
6. Maintain Universal Flow. In giving, something is gained, and it is an act of generosity to receive.

This is stuff we've all heard before, but because we've heard it so much, it begins to fall into the "blah blah blah" psychobabble category. Sure, this stuff sounds great but it's too hard to apply in real life. I wasn't feeling very connected to anything, when BAM, out of nowhere, I read an unexpected sentence that snapped me out of my half-asleep ho-hum and made me cry. The main character was explaining how she was starting to enjoy the small things in life, and how much she was starting to appreciate herself as a result. She talked about how she minimized her work-load, moved into a smaller apartment, got rid of a lot of excess clothing, etc. And then she talked about for the first time in her life, she had stopped dieting and started listening to her body in order to feed it whatever it wanted whenever it wanted it. At that moment, she really WANTED a salad. Now to anyone else, this is just another stupid sentence in another stupid book, but I had to pick my jaw up off the floor and here's why:

Last night, before I went to bed, I couldn't stop thinking about how for the first time in my life, I really just WANTED a salad. I even made a date with myself for Wednesday after work to go to the grocery store and buy the perfect ingredients for the perfect salad, and make the exact salad I wanted, and eat the exact salad I wanted before going to band practice. I went to bed feeling silly about how excited I was over a stupid salad.

I hope you are learning about me in these blog entries. (I sure am!). But one thing you should know about me is how much I appreciate a great coincidence. I was MOVED TO TEARS by this coincidence, and it wasn't because some character in some book shared my lust for leafy greens. I felt for the first time in a long time that God/the Universe/Whatever-you-wanna-call-it was in this WITH me. Validating this journey and assuring me I'm not alone. That recent changes in my life are happening for a reason, even if they seem crazy. That there is nothing wrong with me. That I can't be responsible for how people treat me or perceive me, and that those things won't even affect me or hurt me AT ALL once I just start being true to myself and once I start giving the love I'm capable of giving without expecting anything in return. Whew. I tear up just typing about it. I am finally AWAKE!

To show my appreciation to this silly book for bringing me some peace (at last!), I decided to give one of its lessons a try. I challenged myself to live in the moment and find ten things I enjoyed/appreciated about my drive to work. And here they are:

1. The sun was shining beautifully.
2. I live on a street lined with about a million tall, gorgeous palm trees.
3. There weren't a lot of cars on the road, making it easy for me to pull out of my death-trap of a driveway.
4. I got to drive along Mission Bay, with beautiful views of downtown San Diego.
5. I enjoy the local musicians in my CD player- this morning was Zank and Eric James Polyn.
6. That traffic cop hiding around the bend that I loathe was NOT in his normal spot today pulling over innocent people who are really just trying to get to work without incident.
7. I have seat warmers in my car. Such a blessing to my behind.
8. My commute is only 15 minutes. It used to be 30 minutes at my old job. This gives me an extra two and half hours every week to do something cooler than sit in traffic.
9. Elevators. Brilliant!
10. Even though I wish I got paid extra for having to work 30 minutes a day more than everyone else in the office, I love being the first one to arrive here. It gives me time to make some tea and settle in.

I think Day 10 is a milestone. Celebrate with me...what ten things do you appreciate today?